dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
