my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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