I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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