I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
