At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
