a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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