i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
