I wish I could teleport
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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