My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
