Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
