What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
