My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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