I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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