I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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