Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
