Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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