I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
