I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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