i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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