There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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