wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
