new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
