Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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