no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
