Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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