Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
