just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
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I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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