Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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