last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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