I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
