i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
