i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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