:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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