Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize