no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
