dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
