If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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