I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
