my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
