Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
