This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
