Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
