i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
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i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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