even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
