I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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