My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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