he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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