I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
