trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
