I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
