just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
