If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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