My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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