Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
